Prelude to a heart attack.

Poutine is beautiful in its simplicity. Dump some crispy fries on a plate, top them with cheese curds, and pour gravy or other sauce over top. What it lacks in beauty, it makes up for in flavour. And grease. And salt. And arterial blockages.

These cheese curds are from Quebec, apparently.

To construct this cheesy concoction, I enlisted one of Canada’s leading experts on poutine, Chef Stacie Bee. I checked her credentials, and she has, in fact, not only been to Montréal, but has also actually eaten poutine. Furthermore, Stacie is an expert not only in poutine, but also in bacon, which became a small but vital component in our construction.

Chef Stacie transforms bacon into bacon bits. Note the bacon wristwatch, which can only be worn by a truly accomplished culinary expert in bacon.

As culinary experts agree, any food is made better by putting it on a stick: pizza on a stick; fries and bacon on a stick; spaghetti and meatballs on a stick; scorpion, seahorse, and silkworm larvae on sticks; and more! As chef and author, Anthony Bourdain, is fond of saying, everything tastes better on a stick.

And this is how Chef Stacie and I decided to prepare… poutine-on-a-stick.

Ingredients:

• Crispy french fries
• Cheese curds
• Gravy or poutine sauce (fresh is best, but we used powder)
• Delicious, crispy bacon

Poutine-on-a-stick under construction

Preparation:

1. Put fries and curds on the stick.
2. Put sauce on the stick.
3. Sprinkle bacon bits on the stick.

The finished product:

Behold the majesty that is POUTINE-ON-A-STICK!

Today, I did it. I brought pig and chocolate together in a sweet and salty chocomeatgasm. On a stick.

Ingredients:

Only 3 ingredients for the greatest food on earth

• 15 oz semi-sweet dark chocolate
• 4 oz white chocolate
• 15 strips of thick-cut bacon
• bamboo skewers

Preparation:

OK, admittedly at this stage it looks a little gross

1. Soak the bamboo skewers for a while, then skewer the bacon.
2. Put them on a rack in a roasting pan for 30 minutes at 350F until crispy.
3. Remove from oven and let them cool.
4. Melt the dark chocolate and smear it liberally on the bacon until no meat is showing through.
5. Put the skewers in the fridge until the chocolate sets.
6. Melt the white chocolate and drizzle lightly over the dark chocolate.
7. Put the skewers back in the fridge until it sets.

The result:

Mmm. Chocobacon.

The Ingredients

• 1 cup butter
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1 cup white sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1 crapload chocolate chips
• 1 crapload chopped crispy delicious bacon
• 2 cups flour

Assembly

1. Combine softened butter with the white and brown sugar. Mash ‘em together until it’s an even consistency.
2. Add the eggs and vanilla and bash them around until you have a nice brownish mush.
3. Dissolve a half teaspoon of baking soda in a teaspoon of hot water (fizzzz!) and add it to the brownish mush with the salt.
4. Add the chocolate chips and bacon bits.
5. Add the flour a half cup at a time and really bash it around. Get in there with your fists if you have to, until that cookie dough is battered into submission.
6. Put on a non-stick cookie sheet in small balls, spaced well apart. Stick a chunk of crispy bacon on top of each ball for appearances. Bake for about 10 to 12 minutes. Not too long or they get dry and tasteless.
7. Let them cool, then melt the chocolate in a double-boiler or the microwave. Drizzle the melted chocolate over the cookies and let them set in the fridge.
8. Eat.

The Finished Product

The experiment: BACON BROWNIES.

Let me offer a warning here. The potential for this recipe to go very wrong is great, and it could very well cause serious injury, heart attack, liver damage, diabetes, swine flu, and tongue depression. We are trained professional bacon experts. Do not attempt this recipe at home.

Our experiment began in a highly secure, top-secret location in my kitchen. Joining me in the laboratory was Dr. Catherine Omega, Bacon Foodstuffs Assembly Engineer (Ph.D. in baconology and certificate in bacononomy). We began by assembling our materials.

Ingredients:

• 5oz semisweet chocolate
• 4 eggs
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 2 cups sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1 cup flour
• 1 crapload of bacon

The component elements of the bacon brownie seem innocuous enough... until they are combined.

PHASE 1: Batter Fabrication

Naturally, the first step is to make bacon, for which one must slaughter the pig, butcher it, cure the bacon, then fry it until crispy. Unfortunately, determining the correct order of these operations took us several attempts. As it turns out the first step should never be curing the pig because one develops an emotional, doctor-patient bond with the animal that makes it impossible to see it as a foodstuff. Fortunately this stumbling block was removed at a suggestion from Cat to maybe make the pig dead first, and then the other steps would follow logically. “Well aren’t you clever,” I said and was not sarcastic at all.

The frying process produced a small pile of crispy pig chunks.

From the pan to the plate in several rounds, eventually we had a small pile of crispy meat, which I proceeded to chop as Cat observed to make sure that I cut off fewer than the maximum alottment of digits. Safety first!

Chop, chop, chop, chop, OW, chop, chop...

Next we each surfed the web on our iPhone/iPod with one hand, while we added sugar to the salted, beaten eggs with the other. I’m not sure who took the photo then.

Mixing sugar into the beaten, salted egg. Be sure to give those eggs a good thrashing.

Cat added melted chocolate and I added the thickening agent, flour.

Dr. Omega carefully adds melted chocolate to the mixture, watching carefully for signs of spontaneous ignition.

My hand indicates the location of the batter:

The completed batter strongly resembles eggs, sugar, vanilla, salt, chocolate, and flour. Strange.

And thus, we have basic fudge brownie batter. The next step…

PHASE 2: The Pigification

Just what is PIGIFICATION, you ask? Well, in scientific terms, it is the application of… well, how shall I put it in terms simple enough for the layman to understand? It’s this:

The brownie batter requires quite a bit of pigification in the form of bacon chunks.

Do that a few times over and a brownie batter is truly pigified to saturation. Then, upon depositing the pigified batter into a metal pan, we applied an additional layer of bacon bits to the top along with some chocolate chips.

In this photo, my hand indicates the location of the bacon.

When you see this next photo, please understand that Dr. Omega is an experienced professional baconologist, and as such may at some times forego the safety equipment that one should normally wear when preparing bacon foodstuffs in the lab. Perhaps it’s bravado, but this photo shows Cat depositing the brownies into the oven without heat-resistant mitts, face shield, or asbestos suit. Reckless indeed, but her expertise kept her safe from harm. Do not attempt this at home, as I’ve said before.

Catherine Omega risks life and limb to deposit the brownie mixture into the oven without sufficient safety equipment.

Baking time: 35 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit.

Not to be outdone by Cat’s brave dismissal of her safety equipment, I removed the finished brownies from the oven without the use of the asbestos fire suit. Not in this photo is the full-face heat shield.

Using protective mitts and face shield, I removed the brownies from the oven. Clearly lacking Catherine's bravery.

And after the brownies rested to firm up a little bit, we embarked on the final stage of this experiment. The taste test.

PHASE 3: Proof Pigitive

Cat, once again proved her bravery by taking the first bite of this swine confection:

Cat bravely samples a small bite of bacon brownie.

“How is it?” I asked, afraid to try it for myself.

“Umm. It tastes like bacon.”

Cat considers how to describe the interesting flavour in words.

Indeed, her observation was astute. It did taste like bacon. A lot.

Yup. It definitely tasted like bacon.

And so ends this bacon experiment. Remember: Do not attempt these bacon-related activities at home.

Tonight is the long-awaited night. Tonight, two of my favourite foods come together in glorious harmony: bacon and lasagna. Witness the creation of…

[dramatic music...]

~~ BACONSAGNA ~~

For your entertainment and erudition, I will document the process from inception to delicious, bacony gooeyness.

Part 1: The ingredients…

The ingredients

Part 2: Sauce completed! Huzzah!

Yes, but what’s in it?

You can stew a sauce but you can't sauce a stew.

• Ground beef
• Onion
• Green pepper
• Zucchini
• Mushrooms
• Penguin
• Spinach
• Tomato paste
• Fried garlic
• Seasoning

Part 3: Baconsagna Assembly Phase…

Assisted by Associate Baconsagna Assembly Technician and professional hand model, Cat Omega, we have assembled the lasagna…

Layer one is glued together with some shredded cheese. I use shredded cheese for paper projects too.

Sauce, then more noodles, then cottage cheese and the vital ingredient: BACON!

More noodles, sauce, and more noodles. At this point, I think someone is wondering why I'm not doing any of this myself.

Cheese, bits of artichoke hearts, cheese, and cheese!

At this point we pause and appreciate a job well done. Yes, my camera work was phenomenal.

….and deposited it into the oven. Timer set.

Part 4: Voila…

Ahh, the aroma of bacon and artichokes.

Coming out of the oven. Note that my oven is especially clean because I have never used it before.

The lasagna is the object indicated by my hand.

Part 5: Omnomnom

…

You were right. The salmon pizza (“Mist”) was freakin’ amazing. Thanks for the recommendation.

Everyone else: if you’re anywhere near Steveston Pizza, stop dithering and pick up the phone to order something awesome.

Cubey

(Edit: Let me interrupt this pizza-eating session to point out: this is REAL frickin’ crab on my pizza. Real crab and real smoked salmon. Nice.)

Anyway, that was the education that launched my career in software.

I’m not a picky eater. I’ll dig into Kraft Dinner as eagerly as a proper macaroni dish, and not complain that it tastes like petrochemicals. After all, Kraft Dinner has no pretentions of being more than it actually is: crappy dried pasta with fake cheese powder. But sometimes there’s a huge difference between what’s advertised and what’s actually in the package.

Take this example of Lilydale “Latitudes” pre-cooked chicken breast. I assume it’s aimed at busy professionals who enjoy a grilled chicken breast in a “chef prepared sauce”, but don’t have time to grill or saucify anything. Me, I’m just lazy, so I picked up a package of the “fajita” style chicken breast. The photo of a juicy, tender chicken breast with red and yellow peppers was irresistable to a lazy twit like me.

Well, I got my just desserts, and before the main course even. Inside the package was not a whole breast of chicken, but catfood-style chicken shreds in a homogenous goo. Was this package supposed to be in the petfood section? It looks horrible!

Obviously, this is an extreme case of false advertising. The package clearly says “whole chicken breast”, but it actually contains pulped and shredded… something. I guess it might have been chicken at some point, but then again, it might just be yak vomit.

Note to self: next time, just buy the chicken and grill it yourself. That or buy the same thing for a fraction of the price from Miss Mew.

Picture this: Craving a little guacamole for your chips, you buy a couple of avocados at the supermarket. When you bring them home, your heart sinks when you realize they’re hard as rocks! Totally unripe.

But don’t give up hope. Assorted experts on the intertubes claim that you can speed the ripening process by placing the avocado in a paper bag. Some say you should put a banana or apple in the bag with it, but others say that’s not necessary.

So today I put on my Mythbuster hat and attack this one pseudo-scientifically. I have two very unripe avocados, and placed one in a paper bag (as the experts suggest), but left the other exposed on the counter. Let’s see which one ripens faster. If they ripen at the same speed, “myth busted”, as Adam and Jamie say. According to the experts, it can possibly take only a day, so I’ll post the stupendously thrilling results later.

And yes. This is the kind of thing I do when I’m bored.

UPDATE! – Sept. 25

No changes to report. Avocados still unripe. More news on this amazing experiment later.

SHOCKING CONCLUSION! – Sept. 26

Today I removed the avocado from the bag and discovered that it was ripe enough to eat. And so is the other one. Hmm.

So what can I conclude from this fiasco? Putting an avocado in a paper bag doesn’t make it ripen any faster than it’s unbagged counterpart. Also: This was a colossal waste of time.

And now: guacamole.

First, the “Roast Eel Chili”. I’m going to hazard a guess that it’s not a hearty Tex-Mex style chili, but chili-flavoured bits of preserved eel meat. The label notes “Shelf life: 3 years”. Do I really want to risk tasting three-years-dead eel meat? The chili flavour sounds enticing, but… it’s eel.

Next up, the “Squid in Soy Sauce”. I don’t know why, but I really like that cute little squid. I sort of expect to peel open the lid and find a few of those little guys inside. But sadly, the reality is that it’s full of salty chunks of three-years-dead squid meat.

If I look closely at the “Old Fisherman” mascot, that old guy seems to be laughing and pointing. That can’t be a good sign.

So… do I open these? Do I dare put these sketchy preserved seafoods in my mouth?