In my latest big project, I decided that it was time to give my futon couch the ol' heave-ho and replace it with a real couch. The futon served me well over the last ten years -- and by that I mean that it held me up off the floor. Beyond that, it's the worst piece of furniture that I've ever had the misfortune to own. As a futon bed, it's lumpy and hard; as a couch it's misshapen in a way that makes me think that it was designed for aliens. Either that or the Swedes who designed it were mutants.

I originally bought it as a student, when I needed inexpensive but functional furniture. It has followed me around from home to home (to home to home to home to home, etc. -- I moved a lot in the 90s). Now I'm an adult, or like to think that I am, and I feel it's time to graduate to a real couch. I want a couch with cushions. I want a couch that I can sit or lie on without bruising myself on the wooden frame. I want a couch that doesn't make my living room look like the "before" shots of the crummy bachelor's slum in "While You Were Out".

So...

Step One: disassemble the futon to make way for the new couch. There's no point buying a new couch if there's no place to put it.

Done.

Step Two: move futon frame pieces out of the living room.

Right, here's where things went wrong. My hallway is now full of pieces of unfinished pine futon frame. I can't sell it or give it away (I've tried -- no one will take it). I can't throw it in the dumpster because the pieces are too big. I can't cut it up because I don't have a saw. I can't put it in my car because the car's too small.

It's stuck. This is a serious problem. I need solutions here -- and keep in mind that no one in their right mind would want this thing. (That would explain how I came into possession of it.) My living room is now couchless and my hallway is almost impassable. And did I mention that this started in late February?

It's time for a creative solution.