Yes, 2004 has lumbered into our lives. It looks a lot like 2003, but for the top story of the week. It's an event so bizarre for this town that it makes banner headlines on the Vancouver Sun: "Brrr! More snow, cold weather ahead".

The words strike fear into the hearts of all Vancouver residents. Peering through the blinds, they see something bizarre happening in the street. Pools of water have changed their form from a liquid to a solid! Cars slide helplessly into other cars, and small children fall over randomly. The very laws of physics have been turned upside down.

There's more. Meteorologists predict that soon there will be snow falling -- snow! And not just a dusting, but thirty centimeters!! The city, with only a handful of snow plows, will be rendered helpless.

The worst of it: ducks are thrown into disarray: "At Lost Lagoon in Stanley Park, confused ducks coming in for a landing could be seen skidding along the icy surface," says the Vancouver Sun.

Please send help. Think of the ducks. Please, think of the ducks.