The esteemable cleric of comedy, the bishop of bon-mot, has contributed the latest entry in the First Annual Endofline.ca Hyper-Intelligent — you know, this contest name is way too long — Space Penguins' Choice Blogiversary Contest:

Far Wreck: Behind the Front Ear, by Bishop John.

The office is so quiet today. A great many of my fellow cubicle-dwellers have elected to take a vacation day today to make it a four-day weekend (tomorrow is a holiday here in Canada). It's on days like this that I like to dial up some tunes on WinAmp (these are legal "fair-use" copies of music CDs that I have purchased) and start typing to the rockin' sounds of Corey Har—

... uh... I mean Christina Ag— uhhhhh.... Hmm. Backstreet Boys? No. I know. Anne Murray. I'm just going to blast Snow Birds at top volume and get this place groovin'.

Wooooo!!

(Oh, and for those people who responded to the poll, there are four bits to a nybble, and 29% believe that the fate of the world depends on putting peanut butter on toast. Only 44% felt that the Loch Ness monster is real.)

And now for the second entry in The Official Endofline.ca First Annual Hyper-Intelligent Penguins' Choice Blogiversary Contest:

Star Fish, by Dr Destructo.

I watched Tron last night for no good reason. For such a cheesy Disney movie, it's a real blast from the proverbial past. And it's always fun to watch Bruce Boxleitner put five different objectives into every line. His style is reminiscent of Shatner, actually.

Incidentally, I borrowed the name of this site from Tron. "END OF LINE" is how the MCP ends each communication with Dillinger. Here's a sound clip from moviesounds.com: tronendofline.wav.

Tron fans (and people who have involuntarily watched the movie) may enjoy www.tron-sector.com.

Ted Q. Tickle, a mild-mannered manicurist, was accidentally exposed to a batch of radioactive nail polish. He quickly discovered that he had acquired the power to extend his thumbnail to any length!

As Thumbnail Man, he battles crime with the help of Parking Penguin, the only flightless fowl capable of parking a car.

Treefen has come through with some stunningly funny and surreal dialogue in a TOS-esque (it's a word now) style for the EOL blogiversary contest. Don't drink milk while you read this or it will surely come out your nose.

Treefen_entry.pdf (~80KB, requires Acrobat Reader)

Like a great many other cubicle-dwellers, I began my day today thinking about my alarm clock. When I say that I was thinking about it, I mean that I might have actually started my day by saying fuck off and die to my alarm clock, before bashing it over the head (if it can be said to have one) with my open hand. And then I wondered why the alarm went off at all, because I never use the alarm.

I like clocks. I have an interesting relationship with them. (Patricia will very likely misread that last sentence.) Clocks, especially analog ones, are nice to look at. They're simple. Some of them tick. Some of them tock. Others do both alternately. So I like to keep them around just for their aesthetic appeal.

But the thing is, I don't use them for anything. I don't wear a wristwatch. I don't wake up to an alarm in the morning. And I don't refer to them much. In fact, the clock in my living room has black hands on a black background, which makes it impossible to read in almost any light. That's why I like it.

So I don't seem to need clocks — I just never seem to be late (usually), and I never oversleep. I have a theory about this. My theory is that I've had these ticking clocks around me for so long, that I subconsciously count the seconds until it's time to get up. My subconscious mind is obviously better with numbers than I am.

This leads me to wonder how I came to start my day by swearing at my clock. Maybe my subconscious needed a break from counting seconds, turned on the alarm while I was distracted by something, and took the night off.

Well I don't like it. I decided to take action. I explained to my subconscious in a very clear sequence of Rorschach inkblots that I dislike the alarm and something else about trains going into tunnels. Obviously, my subconscious had the upper hand in that exchange.

The post-hypnotic suggestion wasn't successful either. Apparently I bark whenever someone mentions "time".

I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll give it some time WOOF and things will return to normal. I just wish I had a snooze button.

Can someone please tell me why Blogger has a new spell-checker that:

• only supports US spellings, and not Canadian or UK spellings
  
• doesn't recognize "beep" or "snooze"
  
• doesn't recognize "inkblot", but does recognize "Rorschach"
  
• suggests "blocker" in place of Blogger
  
• suggests "bloc" in place of "blog" (I'm sure the BQ will appreciate that)
  
• suggests "lebensraum" in place of "livingroom"

I paid for Blogger Pro in part to get the spell-checker, but this thing is useless. And Blogs are written in many places other than the US.

Give us a useful spell-checker, Blogger.

Photo of a bee. It was moving too fast.


Butterfly. Like the world needed another bloody photo of a butterfly.

As of July 17, 2003, I will have been writing this blog for one year. Picking up in the footsteps of Adrian, Treefen, and River Selkie, the time has come to throw the First Annual Endofline.ca Blogiversary Contest.

It occurred to me as I was planning this that half the visitors to my site read the blog and the other half look at the robots. That is, half of the total number of visitors. I don't know of any half-visitors, personally.

Therefore, I have created two categories: one for a written scene and one for a LEGO robot. Take your pick of either category. Or do both. Or neither. That's an option too.

Of the prizes, I can say undoubtedly that they are in all respects, undeniably rectangular objects.

So. Who would like to vie for the not-really-all-that-fabulous rectangular objects? Let the fun begin....
CLICK HERE FOR YE OLDE CONTEST DETAILS.

May the best writer/roboticist win!

I'm gonna drive all night
Take some speed
I'm gonna wait for the sun
To shine down on me
I cut a hole in my roof
In the shape of a heart

And I'm goin' out west
Where they'll appreciate me
Goin' out west
Goin' out west

(from Goin Out West by Tom Waits)

Situated at the corner of Robson Street and Bidwell Avenue, this Scottish restaurant emphasizes fast service over all else. The interior was spartan, favouring plastic surfaces and easy-to-mop floors, which seemed to glow under the blue accent of the fluorescent lighting.

The menu's theme is processed animal product, from which the chefs coax a stunning variety of main dishes. The combinations, though limited, will appeal to the most fastidious processed-animal-product connoisseur: many dishes feature a sandwich with fried (then microwaved) ground and a garnish of potato sticks, deep-fried in beef tallow.

Even vegetarians and the health-conscious can enjoy the Scottish fare, as the animal content of the meal can be reduced to almost nil by ordering the dry, soy-patty sandwich and by avoiding the deep-fried potato sticks. The soft drinks may also contain beef tallow in trace amounts, but the head chef, Ronald, was not available to confirm my opinion.

The Scottish theme is enhanced by the clever menu, which names the dishes in the Gaelic language. Exotic names, such as McChicken, McMuffin, and Big Mac, can stir the heart of any red-haired, yellow-jumpsuit-wearing Scot.

Next week, I'll continue my reviews by sampling the personal favourite delicacies of the reigning monarch of the Land of Dairy, who apparently owns a great many restaurants.

Simon gives the walking tour of the University of British Columbia.

Video:

a campus tour (Windows Media Video, ~5MB)

If you have ever strolled along the fashionable Robson Street in Vancouver, you probably noticed an interesting brick building at Robson and Thurlow. Built just after the turn of the century — er... the turn of the last century — the Manhattan Apartments reflect the architectural style of the period. According to the Hottson Bakker Architects Online website, it is the oldest apartment building in Vancouver.

The Manhattan Apartments at Thurlow and Robson, downtown Vancouver, c.1910 (photo from the City of Vancouver Archives). At this time, the building is surrounded by houses.


The same building, c.1917 (photo from the City of Vancouver Archives). Buildings begin to pop up on the left and right.


As it is now, 2003 (photo from me). The building is surrounded by retail shops and office towers.

Now the building is home to a nice Japanese restaurant, some trendy shops, and a Starbucks. As an aside, this is the Starbucks that's directly opposite another Starbucks across the intersection.

About a block away is this building, which appears to be in a residential neighbourhood — you can see the houses in the background.

An apartment building on Burrard St. between Robson and Georgia, March, 1914 (photo from the City of Vancouver Archives).


The same building in 2003. Robson and Burrard is in the heart of downtown Vancouver.

In response to the good doctor's attempt to embarrass me with old photos, here's one of Dr Destructo, in which he's performing a routine procedure on the leftover salmon.


Just look at the intense concentration etched on his features!

As I contemplated the wisdom expressed by Adrian Bedford's poignant "y6h76rtf7708jhlk.j;lkjdfser", something occurred to me that was somewhat unsettling. In his blog, he wrote: "I knuckled down with a fresh coffee and banged my head against the keyboard."

Looking at a standard keyboard, the pattern of keys struck by his head looks like this:


Such a pattern could only exist if his forehead had an unusually lumpy appearance. The string of characters could only have been struck by strange protrusions, of which one sticks out beside his right eye and one over his right temple. The locations of such protrusions can be noted by superimposing the key pattern on a diagram of a human face.


My conclusion is that Mr Bedford's skill as a sci-fi writer comes not from his imagination, but from a deep familiarity with the realities of space travel! He is, in fact, a space-traveller from a distant galaxy!

What led him to settle on Earth? Is "y6h76rtf7708jhlk.j;lkjdfser" actually a naughty limmerick written in an alien language? Am I losing touch with reality?

Or maybe he hit a few keys with his nose. I can't decide.

I'd just like to take a moment to express my disappointment with Google. Before I changed my URL, my page rank was a solid 6/10. Now that I'm at www.endofline.ca, I'm 0/10. The content is the same... why is the site less important now?

And I miss all of the wacky search requests. I rarely get any since I moved. Oh, I still get the usual requests for "penguin belly button rings", "chimps on penguins", "hopping lego robots", and "chunkylover53", but the really weird ones are few and far between. Or maybe my definition of "weird" has changed after a year of blogging.

Also, there seems to be a preponderance of animal-related searches. Here are a few:

• extinct animals, doo-doo birds
  
• what happens to the water when penguins poop in it
  
• can hamsters eat marshmallows
  
• fuzzy bunny porn

Nope. Nothing weird there.

To me, this quote encapsulates the struggle to shatter the barrier of writer's block.

y6h76rtf7708jhlk.j;lkjdfser

—K A Bedford, author of Orbital Burn

This morning I had the opportunity to test the new RoboHelp X4 — the application you use to create online help systems.

Isn't it very sad that I actually get excited over their new conditional text feature? I'm such a... a... tech writer. Sigh.

The morning commute was made especially enjoyable by a garbage truck that leaked evil-smelling fluids along several blocks of Robson Street. The morning air was rich with a smell that I can only describe as a combination of rotting goat cheese, dead skunks, and a hint of orange peel.

That's a combination that only gets better on hot pavement.

Do you ever wonder what happens to the light when you close the refrigerator door? It turns out, doesn't it? But have you ever checked it? Maybe you should... because one time, in a freak accident of sinister forces, it became...

THE FRIDGE LIGHT THAT WOULDN'T DIE!!







Oooooh. Scaaaaaary.

You know miniaturization has reached a whole new level when it's possible to accidentally swallow* an entire library of photos, videos, and music.


Sony offers a 1 gigabyte (gigabyte!) memory card.

Does anyone remember using 128KB diskettes? I do.

[ * The author of this blog does not recommend taking this product internally. This was only an example intended to demonstrate the compact nature of the Sony Memory Stick. Contact a physician immediately if swallowed. Be prepared for derisive laughter at your expense.]

As any cubicle-dweller knows, the first thing you do when you return from a vacation is to run through the checklist:

• Delete all phone messages. If it's important they'll talk to you in person.
  
  
• Check how many unread e-mails you have.
  
  
• Delete unread e-mails.
  
  
• Check for mould on the bottom of your coffee mug.
  
  
  
• Wash mug and get caffeinated.
  
  
• Check for mould on the lunch that you left in the fridge before you left. If there's mould, put someone else's initials on it; otherwise, have breakfast.
  
  
• Check the contents of your drawers — er — desk drawers. Some items may have wandered off.
  
  
• Catch up on important events around the water cooler. If the water cooler is in an inconvenient spot, stand around a different object, like the photocopier or the coffee machine.
  
  
• Make sure the penguins are arranged nicely. Sometimes coworkers may play with your things when you're gone. You may not appreciate their artistic composition.
  

Over at dreams of a river selkie, RS has concocted a frightening bloggiversary contest. We can enter one of three categories: "worst premise for a tv show ever", "scariest photo", or "most atrocious ending of a novel".

Scariest photo, eh? Hmm.

Here's an interesting bit of news. In the parkade where I park my car every day ("...what else does one do in a car park?"), something completely unexpected happened. Someone broke into violinist Esther Boisvert's car.

Something like this could never be forseen. No one could have noticed that on many mornings there are little piles of broken auto glass next to several stalls. The gigantic signs posted by Vancouver Police that warn about theft are, of course, to be generally ignored too. And the shifty-looking guys carrying baseball bats are probably just showing up to play a game of ball with their friends. So Esther can be forgiven for leaving a $600,000 Stradivarius in the trunk of her car.

Fortunately, within 45 minutes the thief who stole it tried to pawn the Strad without ID... next to a police officer, who was in the shop conducting an audit.

Article on CBC.ca: Stradivarius recovered before reported stolen

Article on Canada.com: Thief fiddled around too long in the wrong pawnshop

I could hardly believe my eyes! Right there in the water, next to a small, rocky island, was the clear shape of a sea monster's back and head!! In this never-before-published photo, which I took myself at Lighthouse Park in West Vancouver, you can clearly see the beast just offshore!!!

Sea monster photographed in the narrows between Bowen Island and Point Atkinson, West Vancouver.

At last! There is solid evidence that mythical monsters like the Loch Ness Monster and Ogopogo do exist!!!!

This "digitally-enhanced" image clearly shows the back and head!!!!!

This should end the debate over their existence once and for all!!!!!! The proof is indisputable!!!!!!! I think I need to stop drinking so much coffee in the morning!!!!!!!! I'm becoming agitated and tend to shout for no apparent reason!!!!!!!!! I'm going to go have a nap now!!!!!!!!!!!

(!!)

Taken at Lighthouse Park, West Vancouver.

I've been caught shoplifting... in reverse! On my way back from the drug store, I walked into Taiga Works at 8th and Yukon to check their prices on Gore-Tex jackets. As I passed through the entrance, their security alarm went off. The clerk eyed me suspiciously.

I was holding a very small London Drugs bag — obviously nothing from Taiga. Joking, I laughed and said, "Well I guess you caught me smuggling products into your store."

Well that was a mistake, because the clerk had no sense of humour. Or any sense of reality. She immediately demanded that I give her the bag so that she could search it.

I looked at her in disbelief for a moment. Why? I asked her. What did she think I was doing — attempting to plant merchandise on her shelves? And besides, the bag was too small to hold any Taiga clothing.

I'd rather not, I told her, but she insisted on searching the bag. I should have just walked right out of the store then.

Fine, I said. Look. I opened the bag and showed her the memory card reader that I'd bought. No, she didn't have a right to see it, but I just wanted to settle it. After all, she didn't seem to be one with strong reasoning abilities, and I just wanted to look at prices. I turned to browse the racks.

Then she asked me, How did you leave London Drugs without setting off their alarm?

Pause.

Well, I guess your alarm is more sensitive than theirs. She frowned, unconvinced. I'm sure that, in her mind, I had obviously just ripped off a memory card reader (and the little bag too), and now I was going to make off with some camping supplies.

I browsed for about half a minute, but I wasn't in the mood to shop — especially not under the watchful eye of Brainless behind the counter. I walked out, which triggered the alarm again. I half-expected her to tackle me on the sidewalk to check the bag again.

I think I'll buy the jacket from Mountain Equipment Co-op. The MEC staff are friendly... and they don't treat their customers like criminals.

Do you ever have a Monday morning where you feel like Darth Vader? Not the evil, heavy-breathing Vader, but the sickly humpty-dumpty Vader under the mask.



Yup. That's me on the left.

This Japanese web site offers costumes for your cat:

Ever imagined dressing up your lovely cat into a fabulous beauty? You don't have to dress her everyday, in fact she might not feel comfortable with a dress on for days. Just dress her up only on special occasions like her birthday, takes a photo and that should leave you lots of memories and fantasies.

"Fantasies"?? This seriously disturbs my wa.

They helpfully provide step-by-step instructions on their use:

1. Dress her up. Cheer or yell, do whatever you like to enjoy the moment with your family.

2. After you are enough with your joy, take a photo! Take some poses and leave her some cute photos!

3. Remove her clothes and give her a hub, say "Thank you!"

It's only 3000 ¥ to dress your kitty as a schoolgirl. Don't delay, call today! (shudder)

(Thanks, Agent Q, for the link.)

I meant well, honestly. While helping Dr Destructo move to a new web server, I inadvertently disconnected him from his Blogspot address.

Oops.

Anyway, if you're a reader of Dr Destructo and the Blog of AAAAA!!!!, you can now visit him at www.trekoholics.com. I hope you'll all update your blogrolls accordingly.

Last night, Rob, Ev, and I headed out to try to catch Siwash Rock at Sunset. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Vancouver, Siwash Rock is a tall, standing rock that sits in the shallow water just off Stanley Park. It appears in billions of tourist brochures. It's probably the most photographed chunk of rock in BC.

Well the first mistake we made was leaving about an hour too late. By the time we got to the park, it was already dark. We quickly got lost on the trail and decided to head back. For our efforts, I have one fuzzy, night-vision photo of Ev.

Ev and Rob, on the other hand, shared my ickle automatic digicam and took dozens of cool abstract photos of city lights. Which proves that you do not need a fancy professional camera to take interesting photos in difficult lighting conditions. It made me look pretty silly, walking around with a tripod and a man-purse camera bag.

Due to a wacky schedule, I don't expect to write much in the coming days. I hope you can keep yourselves amused in the meantime. Fortunately, there are over twenty billion blogs available.

Okay, I just made up that statistic.

Go play outside or something. Don't forget to wear sunscreen.