Cubicle Rule #104
Friday, February 28, 2003
While deep in thought, avoid absently tapping your chin with a highlighter pen.  Cubey Terra
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Cubicle Rule #30
Friday, February 28, 2003
Bring big boxes of assorted Timbits for the team. If for some unlikely reason your team mates express a dislike of doughnut holes, bring them more often. Rarely will you get an excuse to consume an entire box by yourself. Cubey Terra
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Cubicle Rule #172
Friday, February 28, 2003
Don't eat a bowl of noodles right before an important meeting ? you're just tempting the gods of red-sauce-on-white-shirts. And yes, there are several minor deities responsible for that, which explains why it happens so bloody often. Cubey Terra
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Usability study outcomes and the practical implementation of feature-request enhancements
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Some regular visitors may have noticed some modifications and enhancements to this web site. These were due to an ongoing study of the usability and interactivity of the interfacing elements of the CubicleDweller.ca product. Based on intensive consultations with user advocates, subject matter experts, usability professionals, and a small cluster of tree frogs, our investigative team put forth a timeline for which we actioned a proposal for mitigating errors in product-user interactivity. Our continued envisionment of forward-thinking initiatives will impact on the increased presencing of the CubicleDweller.ca product as never before within the area of weblog user advocacy, entertainment, and big, greasy hamburgers.
Weeks of intensive focus group consultations have yielded the following data from our focus group panelists: - 12 panelists felt the site was too narrow.
- 11 panelists felt the site was too wide.
- 8 panelists had difficulty with the words "sticky" and/or "note".
- 6 panelists could not locate the coffee urns at the side of the room.
- 1 panelist felt that the word "the" was confusing.
Resultatively, the actioning of these findings were implemented in such a way that led to the following feature enhancements: - The "sticky note" text area is now yellow.
- Coffee urns are now marked with flashing beacons to visually indicate their presence at the side of the room.
As we move forward in the coming quarter, we are anticipatory of an impactful pleasure-to-word target ratio on this site, increasingly expectful of leveraging the outcomes the resulting interface usability enhancements for activity traction, and— Oooh! Flashing coffee! Cubey Terra
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Cubicle Rule #491: Wash your coffee mug
Thursday, February 27, 2003
Always wash your coffee mug at the end of the day. If you don't, then your habitual mug-to-mouth arm action will lead you to take a cold sip of last Friday's coffee, complete with unidentified floaties. Cubey Terra
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Temptations of the flesh
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
As I strolled down Robson Street, I blended perfectly with the crowd. I wore my Gore-Tex™ jacket, hiking boots, and sunglasses, I carried a cell phone, and I smelled slightly of the spicy tuna maki I had just finished. I looked (and smelled) just like your average Vancouverite. That's why I'm surprised that I was singled out.
A man in a crisp, black suit stepped in front of me, and in a tone reminiscent of MacCarthyism, he asked, "Have you ever been to Hooters?"
Startled, I jumped left to avoid him, and managed to mumble a defensive "No" before slipping past.
"Could I change your mind if I offered you free food, free beer, and free women?" he called after me.
What? For a fraction of a second, I hesitated, which made my response come out like "Nnn—" (insert near-instantaneous moral self-check) "—o". Thankfully, my feet kept moving, carrying me far away from the moral quagmire.
Three things I desire most in life — food, beer, and women — all free and gratis too. I'm not sure what he meant exactly by "free women", but I'm sure it was legit. He meant the serving staff, right? The catch was that it was in one of the most low-brow, mouth-breathing, mullet-infested restaurants downtown.
Half a block later, the voice was still echoing in my head: Could I change your mind if I offered you free food, free beer, and free women?
Yes! Yes, goddammit, yes! You could! Oh, the flesh is weak. Cubey Terra
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An expensive month
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
It irks me that February has only 28 days, yet my monthly bills are the same as a 31-day month. That means that a day in February costs me about ten percent more than a day in January.
Why don't we fix this problem by making all months exactly 30 days long? The leftover days at the end of the year can be a wild, bacchanalian party, full of togas, cold beverages, and unusual snacks.
Anyone else with me on this? Cubey Terra
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There once was a man from Peru
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
I know I have an opinion about something, but I can't quite decide what it is. When I figure that out, I'll probably rant about it for several paragraphs.
Until then, however, I'll just post this limmerick. I woke up with this going through my head, and I don't know where it came from. Is that a sign that I've lost my marbles? Probably. There once was a man from Peru
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe
He woke with a fright
In the middle of the night
And found it was perfectly true. Yes. Send the men in white coats. Cubey Terra
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Les pommes frites de liberté
Monday, February 24, 2003
Last week, CNN reported that a North Carolina restaurant owner had renamed his French fries "Freedom Fries". A change of menu wouldn't normally catch the attention of a major media corporation, but in this case it was in response to the French opposition to a war in Iraq. Reporters were all over it in seconds. I suppose if CNN says it's a patriotic act, then I guess I'll have to believe it.
I would like to urge all Canadians to adopt the following changes to menus: - Change California roll sushi to Canuck Roll
- Change Philly cheese steak to Sudbury Sandwich
- Change Texas toast to Maple Leaf Toast
- Change KFC to KFC (Kelowna Fried Chicken)
- Change New England clam chowder to Chowder, Eh?
- Change Boston clam chowder to Red Chowder, Eh?
- And finally, beer should be called Liquid Canada.
That last one doesn't have to change, but we really like our beer in Canada.
That'll show those unpatriotic people in the White House that we mean business. Cubey Terra
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Minus one
Monday, February 24, 2003
I don't understand what I'm seeing. The thermometer is showing a negative temperature. It says -1°C. I thought all life stopped at zero.
It's truly frightening. Strange things are happening that seem to defy the laws of nature. My car wouldn't start. And it was encrusted all over with a white substance.
And the most bizarre thing I have ever seen was the large puddle in the parking lot... it had become a solid. That's right. The water no longer moved freely.
This is very unsettling. Cubey Terra
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Dutch hash on a Sunday morning
Sunday, February 23, 2003
I'm off to get my fix of quality Dutch hash. The Dutch Wooden Shoe Cafe is, to my knowledge, the best dealer of this substance, and my stomach is set on a heaping plate of smoked salmon hash-n-eggs with a side of sourdough toast on the side.
As I type this, I notice the redundancy of specifying a side of toast on the side. On the other hand, one could order a side of toast and quite easily place it on top, underneath, in front, behind, or in any other location. The positioning of the side of toast is really entirely up to the customer. So it's not actually redundant at all.
Mmmm. Hash.
Eventually, I promise to blog about something non-food-related. Cubey Terra
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The world's foremost authority
Sunday, February 23, 2003
Congratulate me. According to Google, I am now the world's foremost authority on the McDonald's " Hockey Hero Sandwich".
For those who haven't read the original post that brought me this notoriety (see Hockey glutton sandwich), this burger is a cow's nightmare. There's about as much processed cheese and cow matter as one can fit between two halves of a bun, and I suspect that the lettuce shreds and tomato are just a formality to keep up appearances. As for the bun, it's a nuisance too, as it detracts from the purity of the meat-and-cheese experience. Admittedly, it does perform the valuable function of keeping your hands free of dripping grease.
Although I've never tried one, I can't dispute Google's decision in the matter. This is a heavy responsibility (and a heavy burger) and I will carry the burden with pride. So go ahead, ask me anything at all about the Hockey Hero Sandwich. Cubey Terra
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HTTP 500
Friday, February 21, 2003
Don't you hate it when you can't find what you're looking for? Thanks, Carmen, for the links. Cubey Terra
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Flattery
Friday, February 21, 2003
Has the week left you feeling blue? Just pay a visit to this site. Cubey Terra
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Friday misguided search requests
Friday, February 21, 2003
Once again we've clawed our way through the weekly gauntlet to throw ourselves on the mercy of Friday. Ah, Friday: the last yards in the sprint to Saturday; the final shove in the weekly sumo match of life; the last heave before the stomach is empty; and the penultimate moments of bondage before weekend's emancipation. Ah... Friday. Yup. Friday, Friday, Friday. Well, I guess I'm finished with that idea. Last night I assembled some of February's more interesting search requests in the hope that I could help lubricate your passage into the weekend with a little levity. And so, without any further ado, the search requests: if a hamster ate vegetable oil would it die
Yep. But it would fry up real good after that. (Try using olive oil for a bit of flavour.)
How do penguins from the ocean disguise themselves
They usually disguise themselves as urban penguins. In fact, ocean penguins are infiltrating every major North American city. If you notice any penguin-like behaviour in your neighbours, report it to the authorities immediately.
pet stores that have penguins for sale
Illegal ones. And they disguise them as hamsters.
how do penguins sleep
I often wonder that myself. How do they sleep at night? How do they live with the guilt?
lego smoking pot
If your LEGO is smoking pot, just sit them down and talk to them about the dangers. Marijuana's bad, m'kay?
what dose the inside of a Goldfish look like if you cut in half
Well, to start, it looks half as big as before you cut it in half. And less... er... alive. Kids, don't try cutting your goldfish in half ? they're really hard to put back together.
t'pol photo very naked real
This is obviously a sophisticated Googler. Not only do they want a very naked photo, but they also want to make sure it's real. It's probably the same person who keeps searching for Ellen Feiss. Of course, by mentioning these on my site, they'll probably be back again. Doh. Well, there you go. I hope your weekend is more fun than a barrel of T'Pol photos. Live long and prosper. Cubey Terra
I'll take Deadly Sins Starting with 'G', Alex
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Having just consumed a foot-long "Steak 'n' Cheese" sub with everything on it in less than fifteen minutes, I feel I am no longer in a moral position to criticize anyone or anything. I'll just hide my bloated guts in my cubicle until I can waddle home at the end of the day. Cubey Terra
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Trained humour professional
Thursday, February 20, 2003
Dave Barry is often referred to as a humourist. I've wondered about this designation. How exactly does one qualify to become a humourist?
Is there some kind of professional training, like a degree program in practical humourology? Are you permitted to practice humour without proper education and training? Is there a professional society of humourism?
I can imagine a humourology professor saying, "After four years as an undergraduate, I earned my Bachelor of Humourous Arts. I majored in double-entendre and gaffes, but I also had a particular interest in Spoonerisms. When I graduated, I stayed on to get my PhD. They said I couldn't do it, but when they laughed openly at me, that's when I knew I had a gift."
For those who don't want to commit to years of study, there's a six-month diploma program, but you're only allowed to call yourself a humour technician.
Cubey Terra
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Out of order
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Every day, I park at the local community centre. It's a great deal ? only two dollars to park all day. Most other places charge at least six.
This morning, however, it was free. Someone had quite brutally ripped the insides from the ticket machine, leaving only a twisted metal shell. And there was a helpful little note taped to it that read, "OUT OF ORDER".
It's a good thing that note was there. Cubey Terra
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O Blogger, where art thou?
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
Evan wasn't kidding when he said that things won't change at Blogger now that Google bought it. Blogger's down. Again. Cubey Terra
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Hockey glutton sandwich
Monday, February 17, 2003
Well it looks like McDonald's has brought back their Hockey Hero Sandwich: three ground beef patties
onions, lettuce, tomato
"Cheese Slices" (processed cheese-like product)
"Pepper Jack Cheese" (more processed cheese-like product)
"Mayonnaise-style Sauce"
all on a "Homestyle Bun" According to their website, this behemoth burger weighs in at 283 grams and contains 40 grams of fat and 68 milligrams of cholesterol... if you trust those figures. That's almost two-thirds of a pound of... foodlike matter.
Then add to that the Supersize fries: 178 grams containing 27 grams of fat and 12 milligrams of cholesterol.
Hockey hero? What self-respecting athelete would come within ten feet of this grease-saturated monstrosity? A sumo hero, maybe. Cubey Terra
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(un)Impressive organization
Monday, February 17, 2003
On the shelf in the corner of my desk sits a rack of folders that are clearly labelled and colour-coded by project and function. The folders are full of paper and look impressively tidy and organized. Anyone entering my cubicle will be struck by a sense of purpose and order, because I have a system.
I wonder if it would help if I actually used them for something. Cubey Terra
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Spellcheck
Monday, February 17, 2003
The spelling checker in Blogger Pro doesn't have "Whitehouse" in its dictionary. It suggests that I change it to either Whitehorse or whorehouse.
Hmm. Cubey Terra
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A shortcut to mushrooms
Saturday, February 15, 2003
Mushrooms at Lighthouse Park, West Vancouver
If you saw these growing on a log in the forest, would you lick them? Cubey Terra
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Spork-based devices coming soon!
Friday, February 14, 2003
This just in from Wired.com: Microsoft to Unveil Spork-Based Computer
Feb. 14 2003
Microsoft Corporation plans to unveil its newest spork productivity tool.
At an event in New York City, Microsoft chairman Bill Gates will announce the release of Microsoft SporkPC in partnership with several leading software and hardware companies. It is Microsoft's claim that mobile device manufacturers have too long ignored the potential of spork-based devices, which are more natural and easier to use than computers with a keyboard and a mouse.
Gates has said the devices will be used by executives to take notes in meetings, by office workers to consume lunches, and by the next generation of workers, from doctors and nurses to delivery workers, as a personal hygiene device.
The manufacturers are hoping to pursuade consumers to pay significantly more than the price of today's sporks, Microsoft said.
Microsoft is betting that it can claim market share over Apple's spork-based device, which is rumored to be in development. A spokesperson for Apple Computer could not be reached for comment. Cubey Terra
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The Search for Spork, Park VI
Friday, February 14, 2003
This morning I discovered a package on my desk. In an unmarked brown envelope was a videotape labeled Confidential: Jobs iSpork Demo. With the tape in hand, I went directly to the company's VCR and locked the door behind me.
 In the darkened room, I had quite a shock as I realized that the tape was authentic. It appeared to be a recording of a product demo made by Steve Jobs, although when and to whom, I couldn't tell. The product: the yet-to-be-revealed Apple iSpork prototype.
Although Apple is aware that Microsoft is already developing a spork-themed product, Jobs is nevertheless pushing forward with the uniquely-designed iSpork, which features a large, translucent handle that plays MP3s, takes digital photos, records DVDs, and connects to a Mac via FireWire. His prototype iSpork had two gigabytes of memory, but the target is at least ten gigabytes for the final product. This would mean that iSpork users could digitally record several hours of sporking, then either burn it directly to DVD or transfer it to their Mac for editing.
The taped demo was only ten minutes long, though quite revealing. It's clear to me that regular spork users are about to be caught between these mega-corporations as they vie for spork market share. Cubey Terra
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The Search for Spork, Part V
Thursday, February 13, 2003
I just recieved an e-mail from an anonymous source. There was no subject, and the body consisted only of this picture:
This could be bigger than I had expected. Is Microsoft stepping into the lucrative spork market? Is Gates himself the mastermind behind the missing utensils? Cubey Terra
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The Search for Spork, Part IV
Thursday, February 13, 2003
It's been a week since my vigil in the kitchen, and still no sign of the missing utensils. I've seen people eating soups and stews with improvised utensils, such as rulers, rolled up sticky-notes, and even diskettes. Once-popular containers of chocolate pudding have gone untouched for days.
The local cubicle dwellers are beginning to lose hope. Some have been been affected more than others. While some have successfully switched to foods that require a fork or chopsticks, others resort to desperate means to fill the void left by the absent spoons. One programmer created a virtual spoon and spends hours interacting with it in The Sims. And in one sad case, a tech writer spent countless hours writing stories about utensils. I'm not sure if he'll ever recover from the emotional scars.
It has to come to an end. The spoons have to be recovered. I have only one logical recourse now. I'll have to call in a paranormal investigator ? ideally a utensil specialist. Cubey Terra
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The Search for Spork, Part III
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
I arrived early last Wednesday morning ? about 06:00 ? to follow up a lead from Marketing. According to local legend, their kitchen is haunted by a spoon-like object that, in the words of the locals, "has the amazing ability to pick up food like a fork. It's a revolution in kitchenware. It's two utensils in one!"
I would normally ignore such tales as myth or, at best, a cheesy sales pitch. No stone, however, must be left unturned and no market-speak left untranslated. Damn those evil marketing copy writers, forever obfuscating and hyperbolating. I'd cut through that like a ... a cutting thing through something that's all soft and... cuttable. Like chocolate cake. Or pizza. I'd cut through it like a spatula through an omelette. Like pinking shears through a dill pickle. Like bolt-cutters through a Nerf football. Like a chainsaw through Jell-O. Ooh, that's a good one. Just like that.
Anyway, after setting up a cubicle dweller blind, I observed the locals arriving for work. Typically, they'd enter the kitchen, fill a mug at the vending machine, then leave. Was that in itself a suspicious pattern? Every time it was the same. Enter, fill the mug, leave. Like a ritual. Was this the infamous Cult of the Coffee Bean founded by Juan Valdez back in the seventies?
By 11:00, I wondered if I was approaching this correctly. I still had no solid leads. Also, all that coffee really made me have to pee.
I struck camp and retreated to my cubicle. Cubey Terra
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The Search for Spork, Part II
Tuesday, February 11, 2003
My investigation into the missing utensils began with the obvious. From: Stephen Cavers, Cubicle Investigations
To: Fred O'Donnell, Jr. Software Developer
Subject: Just a couple of questions
Hello Fred. The word around the department is that you're from Newfoundland. Is this true?
And is it also true that while you lived in Newfoundland, you played in a band? Not only that, but you played the spoons, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?!
Please get back to me whenever you can.
-Stephen Only minutes later, Mr. O'Donnell wrote back. From: Fred O'Donnell, Jr. Software Developer
To: Stephen Cavers, Cubicle Investigations
Subject: Re: Just a couple of questions
I'm from Saskatoon, you moron. Well, that seemed pretty conclusive. He couldn't have done it ? Saskatoonians have no sense of rhythm.
My search would have to press on in new directions. Cubey Terra
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The Search for Spork, Part I
Monday, February 10, 2003
Some days ago, fear and suspicion gripped the dwellers at the cube farm. The e-mail memo said it all: From: Tina Shrewberries
To: Everyone
Subject: ATTN: Spoons missing from 6th floor kitchen!!
There are no spoons left in the kitchen drawer! Could the person or persons responsible please replace the spoons? If you know of their whereabouts, we urge you to come forward and report what you know! This matter is of the utmost importance, as it threatens our ability to consume our lunches!!
Thank you for you attention!!! Our kitchen was without spoons of any kind. Even the giant stirring spoons went missing, which was baffling because without a hotplate, there are no pots to stir. As well, the precious spork ? that miracle of nature that is neither spoon nor fork, yet both ? was also absent.
Some claim that it never existed at all, but I know better.
What nefarious purpose could be behind the disappearance of the spoons? I decided to take the case. So began The Search for Spork. Cubey Terra
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Fish farming and mainstream media propaganda
Saturday, February 08, 2003
Want to read a clever bit of pro-business, anti-environmental propaganda? This article was published today on Canada.com: B.C. salmon farms spawn passionate debate about future of wild fish.
Here's some background: the debate about fish farms is a heated one here in BC. Evidence clearly shows that pollution, escaped Atlantic salmon, disease, and parasites from fish farms threaten the existence of wild salmon. Regardless, the provincial government gives its full support to these industries.
This article marginalizes opposition as being over-emotional and ignorant of the facts. Reading this article, you'd think that fish farm companies are not only clean, but also vital to the economy. Notice that all quotes seem to favour the industry and negate environmental arguments. Should I ask who paid this guy to write the article?
I'm not surprised. Fish farmers would love it if wild salmon disappeared from the earth forever ? then they'd have a monopoly on the salmon market. Cubey Terra
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Holy Spork
Friday, February 07, 2003
Spork worship: is it wrong? Cubey Terra
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Everything old is new again
Friday, February 07, 2003
In the House of Commons, Prime Minister Jean Chretien attempted to clarify the difference between new money promised for health care and "new money" previously promised, but not delivered: Dey say dat da money dat we 'ad promised tree years ago to be new money dis year is no more new money. We 'ave not paid it yet and it's old new money versus new new monies. For me, new money is new money if paying in $5 or $10, it's da same money. * Ah. Crystal clear. Thanks again, Jean. Cubey Terra
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Break time for Cubey
Monday, February 03, 2003
I'm taking a break from the web site. I'll be back next week, same Cube Time, same Cube Channel.
Cubey Terra
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Rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle
Monday, February 03, 2003
Wouldn't it be lovely to live in a world where you can solve problems with a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle? And where you can begin a lucrative career as a pirate by proving yourself at swordsmanship, thievery, and... er... treasure huntery?
Pass me the grog.
Cubey Terra
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Monday
Monday, February 03, 2003
Please stand by. My brain is currently experiencing technical difficulties, which will be resolved shortly by caffeine and a ball pein hammer.
 Cubey Terra
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Poll results: Jeri or Jolene?
Sunday, February 02, 2003
 The results are in and the people have spoken. To the question " Jeri Ryan or Jolene Blalock", 35% voted for Jeri Ryan, 38% voted for Jolene Blalock, and 26% voted "neither".
It was a squeaker, folks, but Jolene is the winner by a Vulcan hair.
Please note that this poll was completely unscientific and probably rigged. Cubey Terra
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Old box, purple jacket
Sunday, February 02, 2003
Spring comes early this year ? depending on which groundhog you consult. That means spring cleaning, which I launched into with reckless abandon this morning. I'm serious about it this year. A lot of old, useless stuff that has lurked in the corners of my home will get turfed today.
 And lurking at the bottom of a cardboard box that I hadn't opened in years was an old high school friend. Behold the purple jacket of Orange Shirt, Purple Jacket fame.
I wore this jacket throughout my last years in high school, my year at college, and first year at UBC. What can I say? I don't like to throw away perfectly good items of clothing. Eventually I replaced the ol' high school jacket and it found its way to the bottom of a cardboard box, and has been there for about ten years, waiting for the day that it would again be called into service.
I guess I'll just chuck it into the dumpster. Cubey Terra
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Nobody toasts a dwarf!
Sunday, February 02, 2003
This link posted by Zel had my blog persona rolling on the floor with laughter. Meanwhile, I was patiently sitting at my desk waiting for him to shut up and let me post this entry.
Where was I? Oh yes. The link: Engrish The Two Towers Captions.
This is an actual subtitle on a pirate copy of The Two Towers.
Other notable lines include: "I bring word from Elfron the River of Death"
"Gandolf foogray that was my name"
"Aragon, son of Haratron and Borodel of Gondor"
"my lord Gandlof foorgray is coming"
"no I have to do Sam" ...and the classic... "Bring your pussy face to my ass". Oh my. Cubey Terra
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The big costume party
Saturday, February 01, 2003
It's not even February 14 yet but the bloggers are all full-o-love. There's a lot going around right now about blog crushes. And maybe not coincidentally, the words "I don't even know you" seem to be appearing quite frequently too. But does that really matter?
When we create a blog, it becomes our online persona. All the world's a web browser, Shakespeare wrote, and all the men and women merely bloggers. Well I'm sure he would have said that if they had blogs back then.
When we post a blog entry, we can't help but write as our blog persona. It's all role-playing. Imagine a great big costume party, in which several people in superhero masks and tights declare their affections for the person in the lederhosen. Meanwhile, several others in hamster outfits attack a team of Clark Gable impersonators, who are rescued by a pair of Zorros and a gorilla. Watching the mayhem are a sixpack of Judy Garlands (of which only one is actually a woman), an alien, and a gaucho. There's also a Starfleet captain in an ill-fitting polyester uniform, but he's sitting by himself in the corner, talking to the plant.
I lost the point in that somewhere. If anyone finds it, please let me know. Cubey Terra
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