Kirk Murkburger, a used car salesman in Des Moines, Washington, leads a quiet life of contemplation and rusty Hondas, until a spacecraft lands on his roof. The pilot, Princess Weenie of the Purple Slime Dimension, enlists him as her Hero and they set out on a quest to win back her claim to the throne of Barflesnack.

In a pitched space battle, Kirk is reduced to a shapeless blob of jelly and taken prisoner by the Nefarious Rog of Quarnon, the evil leader of the Barnacle Army, which inhabits the underside of a rock on a beach outside the Barflesnack palace. Kirk pretends to be an expert on the intricacies of interdimensional time-space travel and sells the Nefarious Rog a '91 Honda Civic in exchange for his freedom and a fresh Mason jar.

Once free, Kirk defeats Rog in a battle of logic and marries Princess Weenie. They live a long and happy life and together raise several little jars of raspberry jelly.