It's remarkable to me that I make the same New Year's resolution every year, and in the final moments of the year, that's when I remember how much I really screwed up that resolution. It should be simple: eat better, excercise, read more. Technically, I suppose that's three resolutions.

One by one, each resolution fell by the wayside ? cast aside like that shirt that I thought was really cool when I saw it in the store, then turned out to be itchy and made my belly look just about as big as it really is. Cast aside just like that.

This year I'll be smarter. This year I'm adopting resolutions that I can keep.

This year I resolve to work at a software company and occasionally eat okonomiyaki at lunch, and sometimes for dinner too, but never on the same day. (After all, there's only so much okonomiyakiing that a person should handle in a 24-hour period.)

I also resolve to type a great many words onto the screen, but not necessarily in the same document or in any particular order.

I resolve to breathe at least several times a day.

I resolve to eat, drink, and be merry, but not Pippin. (Sorry.)

I resolve to use the word "broccoli" in at least one sentence that doesn't involve James Bond.

I resolve to spend more money on taxes than I'd like to, and give several politicians a really good frowning.

I resolve to sing boistrously in my car when I think that no one is looking.

I resolve to go see The Return of the King at a movie theatre and re-watch The Two Towers when it comes out of video.

I resolve to only eat breakfast when I feel like it, and to feel vaguely guilty for eating a Sausage 'n' Egg McMuffin, should I happen to do so.

And I resolve to just be myself and not anyone else, no matter how cheap it becomes in the future to get a brain transplant.

I strongly suggest to anyone else who's foolish enough to have read this far down the page to adopt an attainable resolution this year. Just think how good you'll feel about yourself when December 31, 2003 rolls around and you can look back on the year and say, "Yes, this year I accomplished everything that I set out to do." At which point, you'll have to skulk out of the room under the glowering looks from those people who resolved to do ambitious things like getting healthy, going to the gym, and giving up smack (for example).

It's a small price to pay for a little bit of year-end smugness.