Shatner was spotted at the village perimeter late last night, trying to woo Céline with the ol' Kirk charm. He got as far as comparing her to a green slave girl from Orion when she was rescued by a passing Mountie. It was a truly selfless act on the constable's part ? he placed himself in the presence of great danger in order to save our best polar bear deterrent.

Meanwhile, back in the village, Bryan Adams and several unknown famous Canadian musicians rehearsed for the big night. Everyone agreed that Christmas Eve will be the best show since Anne Murray bit the head off a live ptarmigan and threw it into the audience.

During a rehearsal of Summer of '69, our emu became agitated, and no amount of beer or Doug's tender attentions could calm it. Eventually it broke loose and ran amok, overturning tables and disrupting 54-40's rehearsal of that song from the 80s that people still vaguely remember.

As long as we can contain the bird within the village, the Christmas feast isn't lost. It has yet to take to the air, so we guess that some remaining straps are hampering its wing movement, forcing it to remain earthbound. We could yet save the situation.

It does present a tactical problem, however. We can't enlist the Mounties' help, because we need them to guard the village against the polar bears and beavers. It's time to call in a little extra help.