What were you thinking? That after five break-ins, you would finally find something of value in my car? I left the glove-box, ashtray, and coin holders open and empty. There was obviously nothing -- nothing -- in the car. No stereo. No personal belongings. The only loose objects are the spare tire and a pump, which you didn't take.

No, you just broke in, pulled the wires out from under the steering column and completely failed to hotwire the car again. Seriously, if you've been at it this long, and you still can't figure out how to start a car, you should find another line of work.

And that was a nice touch, opening the sunroof and turning on the lights. I found my car this morning damp and quite dead, you.... you... malicious, brain-diseased little cretin. I hope you get a shard of auto glass lodged in a very personal part of your body that gets infected, turns gangrenous, and is eventually amputated by a drunk chimpanzee with one arm, bad breath, and a rusty bread knife.